the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
it hurts more in the daytime
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize