I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Shame - the story of my life.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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