Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Randomize