saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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