Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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