I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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