omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
