Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
