you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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