You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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