you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
