My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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