I feel great
I just peed on a car
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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