just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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