hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
