Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
