Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
