Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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