Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize