i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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