im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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