I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
