you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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