i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
