he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
