gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
That was an excessively violent trivia night
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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