when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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