Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
