Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
He shit in the fireplace
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
