omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
