I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
