i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
