I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
