Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
