I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
