So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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