Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
