the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
