I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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