my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
