Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
