Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Never underestimate the power of titties
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
