drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
