shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
