Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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