you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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