I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
