Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
