I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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