I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
