remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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