You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I AM VODKA MAN
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
