He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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