How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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