I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
