New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
